Cabalistic Nights

Work experience was awesome! Made everything all nice and tidy, yep, OCD kicking in. Had an awesome lunch break with Marina, going slightly random. Walked on Sydney Uni campus and didn't realise it, got owned by Marina afterwards. >.< We did a hearing test and apparently I have really good hearing :D We also acted as a "control" for several tests, which were pretty fun to do. Looking forward to tomorrow!

I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.

I really wish I could. I know it takes time to realise that and sometimes it's hard to escape the darkness but at least have the courage to try. I wish everything was perfect but perfection is something that is out of reach. We can only ever get so close. With courage, with strength, with persistence, perseverance and hope, the light isn't far away.

The walkathon was awesome. Wasn't it great exercise guys? Don't understand how people could walk with sandbags around their ankles and arms; isn't a backpack heavy enough? Hehe, made someone run, then got all high and starting running instead; looked like a retard holding two drink bottles, with water sloshing, while running with another random person with weights. Yep guys, randomness to the max.

Dancing was fun; trying on new costumes. It looks so Chinesy (duh) but yeah, it's pretty. So tired! Work experience in two days. Can't wait! Looking forward to getting gelato on the way. (Yes guys, I'm fat) Time to make some more photo-manipulations, (getting slightly addicted).

"Believe in yourself, have faith and follow your dreams." 

You know that feeling when you just can't describe what it is exactly that makes you annoyed at someone? Yeah, that's exactly what I'm feeling right now. It just seems like everything they do pisses you off in one way or another.

Like always, it's always our fault and never yours. It's always us who are the ones not trying while you try so hard to keep it together. It's always our fault that you're lonely and our fault that we don't want to watch awkward moments. Yes, of course darling, it's always our fault. It's always us doing the wrong thing because you're always right, never to be corrected, even when the truth is staring at you in the face.

You know, sometimes the whole world isn't all about you. Surprisingly, there are other people around. You seem to be able to find an excuse for everything: I wasn't hungry, you guys left, I was trying, I was lonely, he was just keeping me company, we've been through this before, I can't change just like that, I need time, I was busy, I was tired, it wasn't my fault. I'm sick of hearing all these excuses.

You know I don't like watching, so let me go, please. Why get pissed at me for leaving when you're not going to spend time with me even if I stay? At least I can get something done during lunch instead of being bored and sitting there watching. Isn't it logic? Doesn't it make sense? I don't understand why you nag me to stay when it makes no difference for you whether or not I leave or not.

I just don't understand. Why are you doing this to me? Funny how I thought our friendship was unbreakable. Sure, people change. Perhaps it's my turn.

I've recently become obsessed with photography. Now don't get me wrong, I was always interested but wow, why the sudden urge to take photos? Weird. Because it was raining, I was restricted to taking indoor shots so I grabbed some random things and started arranging them. Yes, I'm that weird. So I ended up with heaps of shots of small objects arranged, nothing much larger than a rose. I'll post the pictures on facebook later when the camera battery finishes charging.

I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.

I really wish I could. Somehow you manage to see all the negativity that comes with life, yet there's so much more to that: the beauty of nature, the unbreakable bonds between friendships, the love from family, the opportunities that life has to offer. It's heartbreaking to see anyone go through this but we need to find strength within this darkness, a light to guide us. I wish I could make you see how wonderful everything is. I wish I could take the pain away. I wish I could make you happy. I wish for so many things but none of them really do come true but of course, we have to make them come true. Have faith in yourself that you will get through this. Have faith that you will be stronger because of this experience. Have faith that the worst will pass and you will be more understanding and knowledgeable of the world around us. I wish you all the best.

Did the whole world just fall apart? For a moment, it did. But I guess it's goodbye for now.

Does she understand that teenagers need self confidence? Does she understand that the negative comments adds to the insecurity? No, of course not. What does she know?

Why does history seem to repeat itself on a regular basis? It happens over and over again. By now, I think I realise I'm fat and I really don't need people to tell me again and again. I know I'm not the skinniest of people and definitely fat for a dance, okay, I understand that but please stop saying it to me. I know. I don't need to be prompted further.

Have you any idea that every time I look in the mirror, I feel disgusted at what I see? Do you know how much it hurts when everyone around me tells me that also? My grandpa, my uncle, my dad, my friends. Do I really need you as well? I know I'm not fat compared with "normal" people but for a dancer, personally, I can't bear it.

You may not realise it but it's the little things you say that hurts. "Stop eating, you're too fat", "you eat too much", "look at your stomach", "wow, they look tight on you". These small comments may seem like a joke to you but they're not to me, because surprisingly, they actually do hurt. I really want to love myself so here's the first step. Stop with the negativity.

Should I be excited about camp? Technically I should be but I get this feeling something's going to go horribly wrong. Now don't get me wrong, I really want to have fun at camp, especially since this could be our last one. Maybe it's because of the tension building between us at school, the distance, the silence. Maybe it's dreading the talent quest which almost everyone is entering in order to get into peer support.

Anyway, I should be packing but I really can't be bothered. Bought a ukulele yesterday and it's purple and I was playing it almost non-stop all day, which resulted in my fingers hurting from pressing the strings. What a smarticle. My voice is also dead from singing too much. What a great combination.

Being true to yourself is the most hardest and most courageous thing to do. 

That was something my English tutor said and it sort of inspired me, or at least made me think and understand things better. And I thought about how much this applies to us and the people around us. Sometimes we try so hard to fit in that we lose our uniqueness, the thing that makes us special. It is important for us to feel a sense of belonging, but we shouldn't lose ourselves to be a part of something else. Sure, there's conflict between the two, individuality and belonging but neither can survive without the other. There's no similarity without difference. There's no balance without the two.

We should have something that feels close to us, making us feel like we belong but that thing shouldn't have to force us to change ourselves to fit them. It should embrace the uniqueness in everyone. We don't have to be like everyone else. We just have to be ourselves because the people who can accept us for us are the real friends we will keep for life.

This represents a lot of things right now. I guess this can apply to all of us in a sense, some time in our lives so here it is:

If you ever need some extra encouragement, remember this: Never forget what a treasure you are. Try to realise how important you are. Though difficulties come to everyone, it isn't fair when they hang around longer than they should. If I could wish the clouds away, the welcoming breeze of a brand new day would warm your life right this minute. But until a new day comes along, I know you'll always be strong enough to see things through. I have so much faith in you. I know how much strength and courage you have inside. I know you can find all the patience it takes. I know that brighter days are going to find a way to shine in your windows and chase away to blues. And all the things I am most certain of, I know that no one deserves more smiles, success, friendship and love than the special person I see every time I look at you.

I know that lately you have been having problems and I just want you to know that you can rely on me for anything you might need. But more importantly keep in mind at all times that you are capable of dealing with any complication that life has to offer. So do whatever you must, feel whatever you must and keep in mind at all times that we all grow wise and become more sensitive and are able to enjoy life more after we go through hard times.

Sometimes we are overwhelmed with the obstacles we are given in our lives and we as "Why me?" And often when the answers elude us, we believe that the trials through which we suffer are unfair and harsh. But there are answers, even though we might not recognise them. In this world, we are all connected and there is no reason for whatever happens. We must remain strong in the face of adversity and meet the challenges one day at a time. And as time heals us, both body and soul, we may come to understand the meaning of our trials or recognise the good that came from them. We may take pride in knowing that we made it through them and as a result, are much stronger than we were before.

I know things are tough right now and I wish there was something I could do or say to lift you up and make you feel better. I realise that it must seem like this time in your life will never end but this moment is just that - a moment. It will pass and give way to better times. Don't be afraid to feel what you're feeling. Try to remember that you are not alone. Remember that you are very loved, very needed and very special. I know it's not easy but you are a strong and beautiful person. You will get through this and when you do, you will be stronger and more beautiful than you already are. The best rose bush after all is not that which has the fewest thorns but that which bears the finest roses. Life is thickly sown with thorns and i know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.

If you ever feel like giving up, don't. If you think you can't do something, try. If you try and fail, then try again. If you don't, you always wonder why you gave up so easily. Don't let life pass you by; the only way to get ahead is to hold your head up high. Try not to be discouraged when things get in your way; just climb each mountain inch by inch and take life day by day. Eventually you will find the strength you had to see, not only to scale that mountain but to reach it's mighty peak. Believe in whatever you think is worth believing in and never stop until you feel you have done all that you can to secure your dreams.

You are capable of achieving anything you want. Hang in there and have patience with yourself and the situation. Live in the moment, one day at a time, not fretting about the past or worrying about the future. You have strength enough for the present and that is all you need right now. Allow yourself the luxury of peace and don't take on more than you have to. Learnt to let go. Refuse negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. Look for the good things in your life and make a point to appreciate them. Believe in yourself and know that you have the power. You are ultimately the one in charge of your life and the only person in the world who can change it.

Don't let go of hope. Hope gives you strength to keep going when you feel like giving up. Don't ever quick believing in yourself. As long as you believe you can, you will have a reason for trying. Don't let anyone hold your happiness in their hands; hold it in yours so it will always be within reach. Don't let bad moments overcome you; be patient and they will pass. Don't hesitate to reach out for help; we all need it from time to time. Dont' wait for what you want to come to you. Go after it will all that you are, knowing that life will meet you halfway. Don't feel like you've lost when plans and dreams fall short of your hopes. Anytime you learn something new about yourself or about life, you have progressed. Don't do anything that takes away from your self respect. Don't ever forget how to laugh or be too proud to cry. It is by doing both that we live life to its fullest.

Sometimes we do not feel like we want to feel. Sometimes we do not achieve what we want to achieve. Sometimes things that happen do not make sense. Sometimes life leads us in directions that are beyond out control. It is at these times, most of all that we need someone who will quietly understand us and be there to support us. I want you to know that I am here for you in every way and remember that though things may be difficult now, tomorrow is a new day. Nobody ever said it would be easy or that skies would always be sunny. When grey days and worrisome times come along, you need to stay strong. Know that everything will be okay. Your faith in tomorrow will always help you do what is right and it will help you be strong alone the path of life.

Sometimes it's hard to imagine why life throws us a curve in the road that suddenly changes everything. While there are no maps to steer us through this rough terrain, there are certain assurances to help guide our way. Having faith, perhaps, is the greatest assurance of all - faith in yourself. Have faith that you are strong, capable, deserving and wise. Have faith that roadblocks are often stepping stones in clever disguise and that you're exactly where you're meant to be - no matter how difficult it may be to believe at any given moment. Have faith that life is a series of lessons. Have faith that however painful it may seem at times, you are uncovering truths of immeasurable worth. Most of all, have faith that you are headed in the right direction - and that at the end of every storm, you will find waiting for you, purpose, meaning, answers and light.

I wish there's something I could do to make things easier for you but I know you are a strong person. This challenge will bring you lessons and change you in positive ways you never imagined. You will find that you are stronger than you ever knew. You will learn that you are loved and cared for and things can turn out okay - even when it seems impossible. You will find that even the hardest times pass. In the meantime, know that I'm thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

[Taken from "Hang In There"]

Can words ever describe what I'm feeling now? But I will try.

It feels like a heavy weight has been placed on my heart, dragging it down, tugging at the heartstrings. It's like a fist, clenching my heart, the grip tightening with every reaction from them. It feels like my energy has drained, completely and I'm left with nothing, nothing at all. Every single time they say something that reveals their true feelings, my heart wrenches, on the verge of breaking. Why is it so hard for me to deprive myself of feelings? Why am I dubbed with so much ability to feel?

It's hard knowing something's wrong but not the cause. It's scary knowing there's definitely something you can do, but not knowing exactly what it is that you can do, especially when you're in the dark. It kills to know that someone else could be helping them but they're choosing not to. Shouldn't they be there for them? Always? Should they be the first to say hello? Last to say goodbye? Always standing by their side, giving them support, giving them hope, giving them strength?

It's so hard to watch, every day. I worry about them constantly, to the point where it's distracting me from everything I do. I really do try to block it out but it's next to impossible. Doesn't anyone else see it? Or are they simply ignoring it? Or is it because they're such a good actor nobody can see? Or maybe people don't look closely enough to realise? When they're happy, you know they're lying to themselves. You can feel their determination to hide their true feelings inside. They try to be happy but on the inside, they're dying. It hurts even more to know that they choose to do that, the feel the extend of the pain later on. It's saddening to see that they do it simply because there's nobody there for them, not their friends, not even their best friend.

Sometimes the weight feels so heavy, so hard to carry but I know I have to stay strong for them, so their heart can heal. I can't let it push me down. Sometimes I feel like giving up but I know if I do, that's one less person they can count on and trust. No matter how high, I will conquer the mountain, no matter how far, I will take the steps, no matter how hard, I will stay strong.

I will stay strong. I will stay strong, I will stay strong. I will stay strong. I will stay strong.